“For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate.”
It feels as though I’ve reached a bit of a holding pattern. I am able to recognize when my focus is in the wrong place - mostly when I start to feel a bit sour - but it has been far more difficult to actually shift my focus of late. I must say, I am glad to be able to recognize the issue. Now I think I need to increase my arsenal of tools in order to utilize the correct one for the correct situation.
I’d like to just be vague and gloss over this sin, but that wouldn’t be fair to anyone. The reason I’m having trouble shifting my focus is because the center of my focus at the moment is myself - and I don’t really want to shift my focus. Except, of course, that I do. I am comforted by the fact that even Paul did the very thing he hated. It doesn’t seem to matter how much I understand the negative effects - although my worldly mind may never truly understand the whole of those effects. I will still willfully disobey.
One of the things I am realizing that I did not utilize is prayer - one of our key tools and weapons. This is due, in part, to the fact that I didn’t want to change my focus. I think I start to naturally dodge things that will help me not to sin, without overtly realizing it. My thoughts seem to zoom and flit and I can’t concentrate - especially to pray. Sometimes the only word I can get through is the plea, “Help!” I am thankful that the Holy Spirit intercedes for me.
I am going to assign myself the task of finding a verse or passage that talks about focusing on God (probably aside from “seek first His kingdom”) and then memorizing it. When next the issue arises (which I’m sure will be soon), we’ll see if I can whip out my “sword of the Spirit” (Ephesians 6:17) and do battle. If that verse doesn’t do the trick, hopefully I will be able to determine what I need the verse to speak toward, and will try another.
I know that you will eventually encounter the same issue of doing the thing that you hate. I will keep you in my prayers, and I ask that you would add me to yours, if it crosses your mind. We are not in this battle alone. “A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.” Ecclesiastes 4:12