God's Plan

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son..."

Romans 8:28-29a

"'Will you really annul My judgment? Will you condemn Me that You may be justified?'"

Job 40:8

Thank you, Lord, that my every circumstance has passed through Your hands. Not just the big circumstances, but the moments when the traffic light changes (or doesn't); when I slip and fall; when my children are being wonderful or whiney. In every moment, small or large, You work all things to make us more like You. 

I don't always appreciate it; I'm not always in line with You. Help me to recognize Your purpose in those moments. Help me contemplate rather than criticize Your plan. Turn my heart toward You in humble trust; don't let me elevate myself to pride thinking I can judge You. Thank You for Your grace that suffers my prideful thinking until You turn me back to You. Thank You that You have made a way for me to even approach You in Your holiness. Thank You, Lord, for Your plan.

Drawing Near

Psalm 119:25-29, 31-32

"My soul cleaves to the dust; Revive me according to Your word. I have told of my ways, and You have answered me; Teach me Your statutes. Make me understand the way of Your precepts, So I will meditate on Your wonders. My soul weeps because of grief; Strengthen me according to Your word. Remove the false way from me, And graciously grant me Your law... I cling to Your testimonies; O LORD, do not put me to shame! I shall run the way of Your commandments, For You will enlarge my heart."

Day to day I find myself striving. I want to be more; I want to be better. I want to watch myself ascend a ladder of continual progression, and when I see that imaginary tick mark drop, I struggle. Perhaps you can relate.

The verses above really struck me with a point God has been repeating to me of late. I can't do it. Nothing I do will make me worth more, and none of my progress on that ladder is a result of my efforts. I've been focused on the wrong thing: myself. The way to become "better" is not to focus on myself and how I can be better, but to draw near to God and to meditate on Him and His living Word.

The verses above (and throughout Psalm 119) ask God to be the source behind everything the author asks. "Revive me," has been a plea of my own heart lately. How can I be revived? "...[A]ccording to Your Word." (Psalm 119:25) "I have told You of my ways, and You have answered me; Teach me Your statutes." (Psalm 119:26, emphasis added.) I'm no Bible scholar, but I see "You have answered me" and I think of Job 38-42, when God answered Job, pointing him to the greatness of God and His power. In view of that greatness, God, teach me Your statutes! Each verse in Psalm 119 is such a great picture of the value of God's Word and what we should do with it. For all this worth, I cling to His Word and will follow it because God will enlarge my heart. Anything I do is because of Him!

It's not about being better, or more, or enough; it's about drawing near to God. He knows everything about me - all my failures, all my problems, my every thought - and still, He loves me. (Not because He sees something special in me; anything special in me is a direct result of His creation.) If I can't be comfortable with a God who knows everything about me and still loves me, it's because I'm prideful; I want to be able to do it in my own strength, which would bring glory to me instead of Him. Christ died to purify me so I can be in God's presence continually - so I can draw near to Him!

God, thank You for Your grace to grant me the power and means to cling to Your Word, thus renewing my mind and drawing near to You. Enlarge my heart as I dwell on Your Word, that I might draw near to You and glorify You as a result. Thank You that becoming better is all about drawing near to You, which results in You changing my delights and desires to follow, obey, and ultimately glorify You.

Philippians 1:6

"For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus."

First Love

Revelation 2:3-5a
"...and you have perseverance and have endured for My name's sake, and have not grown weary. 'But I have this against you, that you have left your first love. 'Therefore remember from where you have fallen, and repent and do the deeds you did at first..."

In an attempt to improve myself and get everything done, I've boiled much of life down to a task list. I've been quite thankful for my helpful task lists; I miss less. Yet, while completing the nighttime prayers task on my list, God gently chided me on my plan of attack. He made me realize I've lost my "first love," as mentioned in the verse above, and thus, my reason to do tasks in the first place. 

"First love" in this verse, refers to Christ. My desire to complete a task has more or less replaced my desire to love (and thus serve) Christ. Life easily becomes about doing, rather than serving. Achieving, rather than loving. Myself, rather than Christ.

How did I lose that first love? Achieving isn't inherently against Christ, so where did I go wrong? I lost my original motivation behind achieving. God always looks at the heart, and we are so quick to think about ourselves instead of Him. I wanted the glory of finishing a task, rather than serving Him through my achievement.

This is why I find thankfulness so important. When I thank God for His good gifts, it helps shift me toward thinking about Him. Even in this, I can still make it about myself, as though God exists for me. Yet a good gift glorifies the giver, granting enjoyment to the recipient (and the giver), not the other way around.

Adding to my task list is not how I become a better [wife], nor does accomplishing tasks inherently make me better. Intentionally dwelling on being thankful for God's gift of [my husband and his good qualities] naturally leads me toward love, which leads to my betterment and joy. I must pray for the not-so-good things, and then leave them at His feet. In choosing to dwell on what I'm thankful for in a situation, I glorify God and become more like Christ (which also glorifies God!).

You may have noticed the brackets. Put your own goal in the first bracket and your own applicable thankful thing in the second. When you're tempted to dwell on what's going wrong, pray. Give it to God, and then practice intentionally dwelling on any applicable thankful things within your situation. God may surprise you.

I'm thankful for God's reminder of my first love. Life is so much sweeter when it's about Him instead of me!

What have you thanked God for today?

Twice a Mother

Isaiah 26:3

“You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You; because He trusts in You.” (American Standard Version with thee's replaced.)

Motherhood seems to be a journey of navigating changes. Just about the time you figure out one phase, you’re on to the next… at different times, with different personalities, that require different techniques. If you aren’t already comfortable with change — God is going to work on that. :)

As a christian wife and mother, our first ministry is to our family; I have found it so easy to get caught up in the doing: change her diaper, nurse her, feed him, clean poop (whether his or hers), nurse her, pick up at least some portion of the house, change his diaper - oh, drink your water! - nurse her - wait, when am I going to eat? - keep things civil between the siblings, sleep when the baby… wait, how do I get them to sleep at the same time? 

I get so focused on the urgency of the doing. Knowing it’s a fulfillment of my ministry to the Lord, my doing becomes the gauge on which I judge my walk with God… and I start to judge my worth by my walk, which puts my worth in constant flux based on my performance. Yet neither my worth, nor my relationship with God are based on my doing, but on the unchanging God, and what He has done, and is doing in my life. He always remains constant. He is the Rock to which we cling in the shifting circumstances of this crazy, beautiful, temporary life. He has poured out His grace on us through His only Son to credit us with His righteousness. And that never changes. My performance - or even how well I’m doing in my walk with God - has no bearing on my worth.

When I focus on Him - stay my mind on Him - I don’t see what I can or cannot do; I begin to see what He can do. I start to realize no matter what I do or don’t get done, His grace is greater. No matter how I mess up with my kids, His grace is greater. No matter what this world throws at us mothers - or throws at our kids - God’s grace is always greater.

When I stay my mind on Him, my perspective begins to change. My goals become less important - and I begin to compare my goals with His goals. My goals often have way more doing than His. But really, His main goal is defined in Romans 8:28-29: to make us more like Christ, which benefits us and brings Him glory.

The following passage is often split into many different sections, but I think it’s also important to consider it all together. 

Romans 8:28-39

“And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren; and these whom He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified. What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things? Who will bring a charge against God’s elect? God is the one who justifies; who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us. Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Just as it is written, ‘For your sake we are being put to death all day we were considered as sheep to be slaughtered.’ But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Concentrating on doing brings us joy or guilt based on our performance. Concentrating on Christ and the far-reaching effects of what He has done for us brings us joy in every circumstance. I don’t mean you’ll be happy when grieving; I mean you’ll have the peace of knowing God is using this for the good of His children and for His glory.

Trust Him and what He has promised. Lean not on your own understanding. Meditate on His ways in the watches of the night. Dwell on His goodness, His mercy, His love so great that He’s willing to do the hard things. Then make it real to yourself by purposefully being thankful for it. “You will make known to me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; in Your right hand there are pleasures forever.” Psalm 16:11

Now I chose Isaiah 26:3, because I think it describes the idea most succinctly. But there's a similar verse in Psalm 1:2-3:

“But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and in His law he meditates day and night. He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in its season and its leaf does not wither; and in whatever he does, he prospers.”

I love this passage as a reminder. God and His Word is the root which can grow us into beautiful trees. This doesn’t mean the tree won’t need pruning. And neither is the tree expected to produce fruit out of season, but in its own time, according to the Lord’s direction.

It’s important to note this passage is also a Psalm, and while it gives impeccable advice, it is not a promise. As a general rule, when we follow God’s Word, we do well. Yet God also teaches us through trials with the aim of perfecting us; it’s often how we learn best. This may look like failure to us… yet our inability to get everything done on our list is not the measure of our success. In fact, God uses that inability to teach us how to prioritize, to ask for help, to keep us humble and reliant on Him - and myriad other custom-tailored lessons His Holy Spirit teaches us. Each and every circumstance is not a measure of our worth, but of His grace. He always has the victory.

One other example of His victory and grace is when I mess up with my kids. When I let my temper flare and I snap at them… despite my failure, God turns it into a success. It gives me the opportunity to apologize to my kiddos, and to teach them how to deal with their own failures. To show them what I should have done, and where I should have turned. God’s grace is not shown in our supposed perfection, but in our weakness. God always has the victory.

Nothing has taught me this so well and clearly, as being a mother - especially twice a mother, with a little boy and girl! I thank and praise the Lord for this gracious gift, and pray for His help to stay my mind on Christ - and smile at the future. What trial has God used to teach you something you might not have learned any other way?

The Fear of the Lord

Job 28:28

"And to man He said, 'Behold, the fear of the Lord, that is wisdom; and to depart from evil is understanding.'"

I think you’ll agree when I say motherhood is a beautiful gift of the Lord - but we don’t always feel that way. Motherhood as a christian demands a diligent, patient, and joyful self-sacrifice day in and day out. When the hundredth question has passed their lips for the third time, while you’re trying to remember: how much flour did I just put in? - and also just remembered you forgot to turn the timer on for something else, and then you hear a crash in the other room from another child… it can get pretty difficult to focus on the hope and grace of an eternal God rather than the circumstances of the present.

And then there are the things we want to do and accomplish. The gifts we want to use, but don’t really have time for. Or the goals and dreams we want to work toward, but end up working toward others’ goals instead. We often mention the rewards of motherhood: the snuggles and smiles, belly laughs and eureka moments, and the times when God has brought about understanding of a key spiritual concept (which we often want at least a little credit for). Yet, in the face of the things I want, and the goals I have, I often struggle with those rewards being enough. Yes, that little hug brings a smile to my face, but what I REALLY want is… fill in the blank. My focus shifts, and I lose my joy.

But that’s the beauty of God’s grace. He knows exactly where we are, and exactly what we need - whether or not that matches up with what we think. He loves us too much to let us have our own way, if it isn’t best. To be completely honest, had it been entirely up to me, I would not have chosen motherhood. Kids never have been my thing. But God doesn’t call the equipped… He equips the called. He has called me to be a mother… and not just for my husband, or my children. He has also called me to be a mother for me. Much as I may not want to admit it sometimes, I need motherhood.

God has been working on me a lot in this - especially in the past couple of weeks. In fact, He’s torn my building from its foundations, shaken it around a bit to get out some of the rotten boards, and then held it midair with me still in it while He’s ripped out and repoured some of my foundations. I might be just to the point where He’s set me back down and begun replacing the missing boards on the new foundation. It’s not the first time He’s done this, and it won’t be the last; I’m sure some of you can relate.

I’m going to share with you a conversation I had with my husband via text. I was brutally honest with him, so it shows exactly what I - and what I think many of us - struggle with, and also shows the truths I need to combat them with.

Me: Sooo… I’m fighting depression and anxiety. Do you know of another Scripture about parenthood/kids being a blessing? I think I don’t believe I’m a good mother, and that I can get better. I’m scared I’m going to screw up my kids. I get overwhelmed by all the things the kids need - mostly for school. I feel like I’m the only driving force behind James getting any work done. And it’s another thing on my plate. I’m a little confused because I think I have the time, but emotionally it’s hard. 

Husband: Don’t forget that it doesn’t all rely on you. All you can do is your best and that’s not enough on its own. Trust that God is the one working in the lives of our kids and that He will accomplish His purpose in them. God doesn’t need you to be a great mother. He wants you to trust and obey Him. He will be the one to work in the kids’ lives. 

Me: How do I deal with not wanting to be a mother?

Husband: Focus on wanting to honor God and bring Him glory through your life. You are serving Him when you are caring for the needs of the kids. 

Me: I’ve been having a hard time with that. I’m being really selfish. Right now I just want to do what I want to do. I know God’s way is better, but I don’t see it. 

Husband: Then you need to ask God to help you repent. Ask Him to help you see how you are idolizing your desires over worshipping him. 

Me: I know I’m idolizing myself - I’m not seeing why He’s better. 

Husband: Then go back to the end of the book of Job. That’s a good reminder that he is God and you are not. 

Me: But that only holds fear, not joy. 

Husband: You need some fear right now. If you don’t see why God is better than you you won’t be able to enjoy him. You can’t have joy without humility.”

As you can see, God used my husband to throw out a number of nuggets, but that last one really hit me. Even in those moments, I understood. I needed to fear God - not the kind that feared punishment, but the kind that recognized His awesome power and might, so I could “Humble [myself] under the mighty hand of God… casting all my anxiety on Him, because He cares for [me].” 1 Peter 5:6-7 

So I did - I opened the book of Job and started reading from chapter 38 through 41. It was a great blessing! It’s not like everything was peaches and cream after that, but it really helped ground me and my emotions. Part of me really wants to quote you the whole passage, because it took reading the entire thing to really drive home how great God is during those moments. However, for the sake of time, I’ll give you a couple highlights that seemed to convey the core of the ideas I needed.

Job 40:8-14 ~ God is speaking and says, “Will you really annul My judgment? Will you condemn Me that you may be justified? Or do you have an arm like God, and can you thunder with a voice like His? Adorn yourself with eminence and dignity, and clothe yourself with honor and majesty. Pour out the overflowings of your anger, and look on everyone who is proud, and make him low. Look on everyone who is proud, and humble him, and tread down the wicked where they stand. Hide them in the dust together; bind them in the hidden place. Then I will also confess to you, that your own right hand can save you.”

Job 41:10-11 ~ God just finished describing the might of Leviathan and says, “No one is so fierce that he dares to arouse him; who then is he that can stand before Me? Who has given to Me that I should repay him? Whatever is under the whole heaven is Mine.”

How’s that for humbling?

So… when I’m struggling with not wanting motherhood because I’m focused on what I’d rather be doing - whether it be using talents or getting rest - my focus needs to shift to recognize how big and great God is. When I bring my focus to bear on the fact that, “the earth is the Lord’s and all it contains…” (Psalm 24:1a), I’m reminded that He’s given me everything I have - including those talents I’m wanting to use. And that rest I can’t seem to get? Does God not have sovereign control over my circumstances? Does He not know best and cause “all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose”? Romans 8:28

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; a good understanding have all those who do His commandments; His praise endures forever.” Psalm 111:10

The fear of the Lord is to focus on Him and all that He is, and to then realize who we are. We have nothing to offer Him, but He has made us His children. Praise God and obey His calling, and He will see to the rest.

A small side note: once I was able to shift my focus to humility, thankfulness, and praise, God showed me something else. He wouldn’t give me talents I couldn’t use in His calling of me to be a mother. So instead of focusing on how much I wanted to use my gifts the way I understood - outside my calling, I need to continue to spend my time considering how I can put my gifts to use within my calling. 

So I leave you with this: motherhood is humbling, and we need to be humbled. Remember that while God called us to this, He doesn’t expect us to do the whole job - He’s working, too. In fact, He’s the driving force enabling our work. He calls us to trust and obey Him - He’ll take care of the rest. 

The snuggles and hugs, and ability to watch them grow are rewarding - but so are the trials for those who choose to follow God, because once God has brought you to the other side, you’ll be stronger, wiser, and more like Christ.

I thank the Lord for the "fear of the Lord," and how He has revealed more to me of how the concept applies to the Christian life. Praise the Lord for His goodness and grace! How can you turn to the fear of the Lord in your circumstances?

Motherhood

2 Peter 1:2-3

"Grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord; seeing that His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence."

If there is anything that has taught me to rely on His divine power, it's motherhood. I'm not saying other things didn't teach me, but motherhood does throw quite a bit at a woman. Motherhood persists... children's needs often won't wait for a mother's own. While we can sometimes allow a way to take a break, vomit won't clean itself. Cuts won't bandage themselves. Panic attacks over a stuffy nose because he or she has been crying over "the worst birthday ever" because he or she was disciplined for using too much toilet paper and clogging the toilet when he or she knows how much to use... need a steadying rock through the storm.

Understanding the grace it takes to rear a child engenders a whole new respect for our loving Father and the amount of patience and grace He extends to us. Motherhood is a demanding job, and God knows exactly how hard it is. Trying to help a child change their focus through the whining, the know-it-all pride, the drama, and the outright fear when all they can focus on is what they don't have, is wearing. The interesting thing seems to be, after I work through it with my child, I find myself warring precisely the same battle... and by that time doing just about as poorly as they did.  

So here I am, after everyone else is asleep, writing a thankful thing. Not because you need it, not because I have a goal I need to keep, but because it is one of the few ways I can keep my focus on the truth of Christ, without wandering off. God grants us everything we need to live a godly life through the true knowledge of Him. Whatever it takes to keep your focus on "the true knowledge of Him" - it's worth it. That's when true change happens, and when Christ can begin to work through you. Whether by prayer, reading the Bible, writing, or color journaling, whatever you have to do to get your focus back on Christ is your lifeline. So often I don't want to use it - but I am rendered useless (and usually crying) without it!

What is the truth I need to dwell on tonight? God has granted us everything we need to follow Him. The grace I am to extend to my children has already been given to me. I'm not perfect, and He doesn't expect me to be. Otherwise, He wouldn't have gone through the suffering on the cross. My mistakes are the perfect example to my children of why we need Christ! This doesn't grant me license to not try to live a godly life - especially since He's granted us everything we need to live it - though it is a reason why it's so important to ask our children's forgiveness. In so doing, I model asking forgiveness of God as His child, and relying upon His grace.

I need His grace. Every moment. Even when things are going "right." Motherhood has a tendency to throw that need in my face... in a good way, even if I don't always take it as such, which is why I'm thankful for it. It isn't my job to make my children more like Christ... that's God's job. My job is to point my children to Christ, ask their forgiveness when I mess up, and be a witness of His love, grace, and mercy. 

He never runs out of patience with me. His tactics may change according to my attitude, but His love, grace, and patience are applied consistently throughout. He is always working all things to make us more like Christ, and motherhood is no exception!

A "Perfect" Day

Ecclesiastes 8:15

"So I commended pleasure, for there is nothing good for a man under the sun than to eat and to drink and to be merry, and this will stand by him in his toils throughout the days of his life which God has given him under the sun."

This last day, my husband and I celebrated our twelfth anniversary. We did several of our favorite things: ate breakfast at our favorite breakfast place; listened to our audiobook while watching the waves and (I) knitted; window shopped along the Embarcadero in Morro Bay; ate dinner at our favorite restaurant in San Luis; stayed at our favorite hotel and soaked in the mineral hot tub; watched a movie; and ate my favorite dessert (brought from that favorite restaurant). I can't help but feel so thankful for all of this, and so blessed by God's grace. To have the time, childcare, and financial provision to make this happen is no small feat, and to top it off, I've barely felt any pain today!

I cannot describe how wonderful and satisfying it feels to enjoy all these things knowing it is at the behest of my Creator, who owes me nothing. Much as I have admittedly been stressing out lately in the trenches of daily life, it almost feels too good to be true to have had this "perfect" day. Yet here His gift stands. I appreciate these things all the more because of my recent trials... which makes me thankful for not only for the "perfect" day, but for the trials, too.

The verse above puts a more eternal perspective on things for me. This recent "eating, drinking, and being merry" can serve as a great reminder of God's grace during the coming toils... and it can also serve as a reminder that the good things of this earth pale in comparison to what it will be like with our Heavenly Father after His return.

Until then, we have an even greater joy than in the eating and drinking and making merry in a "perfect" day. Psalm 16:11: "You will make known to me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; in Your right hand there are pleasures forever." Even a "perfect" day is enhanced by the joy of the Lord!