Gentle and Lowly

Exodus 34:6-7a
"The Lord, the Lord God, compassionate and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in faithfulness and truth; who keeps faithfulness for thousands, who forgives wrongdoing, violation of His law, and sin; yet He will by no means leave the guilty unpunished..."

Matthew 11:29
"'Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.'"

Is God angry with His children? Perhaps you've struggled with this idea, as I have. You know you're saved, you know you aren't condemned to hell (Romans 8:1), but you still see God as angry with you every time you sin. How could He not be? Isn't He constantly grading our performance, tracking every detail in His Book of Life?

Yet what drove God to call His children to Him in the first place? Was it our performance? Our obedience? Our moral excellence? No. God called us because of His own unconditional love. It isn't about us. It's about Him. God knew every sin we would commit beforehand, and He still chose us; it wasn't about us - it was about showing His glory. 

I submit to you: the fact we aren't perfect is the very thing God uses to draw others to Himself through us. We don't draw people to God by being perfect; people are drawn by the knowledge that God loves us despite our imperfections - despite our sin. Contrary to our instinctual reactions, we shouldn't hide our sins and pretend we're perfect. Instead, we are to be transparent about our sin and repent of it. In this way, God has turned even our sins into a way to glorify God - to point out His compassion, grace, and mercy.

As Paul says in Romans 6:15 this does not give us license to sin, but it does mean God expected us to sin. This is Plan A. God does not need a contingency plan. God must punish sin, but He has already dealt that punishment - on His only begotten Son. There is no anger left for you, His child, saved by His love, mercy, and grace. These are what is left after the sacrifice of the holy and perfect Lamb.

I think so often of my own frustration with my children when they do not obey, and think God must be so frustrated with me. Yet that very word - frustrate - means to "prevent (a plan or attempted action) from progressing, succeeding, or being fulfilled." No plan of God's can be thwarted, or frustrated (Job 42:2). God is not like a human parent. 

So what is the significance of this? God's heart toward His children is not one of anger - even when we sin. He paid that price and it is finished. Now, it's time to repent, and move on - which God is here to help with! He doesn't call me to repent before I come to Him; He calls me to come to Him so I can repent! This is (a piece of) the grace and wonder of God: that every part of our salvation and sanctification (ongoing progress toward Christ-likeness) is performed by His own hand. We rely on Him every step of the way - or we face the natural consequences of attempting to do it ourselves.

These natural consequences are not God's anger, they are His discipline. Discipline and anger are not the same thing. Discipline is solely meant for the good of the one being disciplined. It is meant for instruction, not punishment. Again, that punishment has already been taken. Discipline is instruction, and we are foolish not to accept it.

If you struggle with thinking of God as angry, or struggle with understanding how He could be "gentle and humble of heart," I would highly suggest reading Dane Ortlund's book, Gentle and Lowly. It is a beautiful encouragement and insight into the heart of our Lord.

I thank God He is gentle and lowly. He doesn't lord my failures over me, or drive me into the ground with guilt, but rather that He grants me mercy, and then even beyond that gives me grace to be in relationship with Him - with Love Himself.

Eternity Ahead

Titus 3:7

"...so that being justified by His grace we would be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life."

God has struck me lately with the idea of eternity. Eternity with Christ is something I look forward to. I cannot even fathom a life without sin in a regenerated body! God fills me with awe and thankfulness at the amazing grace of this generous act of salvation. Yet, what exactly does eternity mean for us now, in each of life's moments? 

When you think about it, I don't know that there's any good thing here we won't be able to do in heaven... consider that a moment. Whatever gifts you want to cultivate, whatever projects you want to complete... we have an eternity to enjoy God and His gifts. But what about the people? 

I think eternity focuses our perspective on what really does matter. What are we here for? We are here because God is longsuffering: 

"The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance." 

- 2 Peter 3:9

There is one thing we won't be able to do in heaven: save the lost. By then, all of God's children will be accounted for. Please understand, I'm not claiming WE can save the lost - only God can bring a person to that point - but God does call us to witness. Our lives here are the only testimony some have of our loving Father. I quickly lose track of my witness in the day-to-day necessities of life... and I start to think more about what would make things easier here, rather than what's important in the face of eternity. Yet the reason (so far as my human eyes can see) Jesus hasn't yet returned to claim His rightful place is that He is "...patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance."

I don't know about you, but I'm not "gifted" in evangelism. I can't strike up a conversation with a random person I just met and bring them to Christ on the spot, then continue on my merry way (at least, it hasn't happened yet - God can do anything). This doesn't mean I'm not called to evangelism. Let me explain. 

Many of us have put evangelism in a box: you meet a person, take them along the "Romans Road" or show them the "Bridge Illustration" and thereby share the gospel with them. There is ABSOLUTELY a place for that - but this is not the extent of evangelism. Our every moment lived out in front of people is our testimony - our evangelism to others. God placed you where you are in life to show Himself to those only you know; to minister through you as only you are positioned to. As a mother, a wife, an understanding friend, God has placed you where you are to minister His love, thereby glorifying Him. How we deal with trials, how we enjoy God's gifts, how we live... these are our testimonies of God. 

This does not absolve us of broaching the subject of salvation; it gives our words weight when we share. Don't expect the opportunity to always come to you; be as intentional about sharing Christ as you are about seeking Christ.

Who is the Lord putting on your heart to share His love with? Don't be afraid! 

"Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age." 

- Matthew 28:19-20

Moments of Clarity

James 1:14-17

"But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death. Do not be deceived, my beloved brethren. Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow."

You know those moments when it’s like God just opens your eyes and you can see something for what it is? If you’ve known God for any length of time, you know what I mean. Otherwise, you can just think back to when God opened your eyes for the first time to follow Him. When you realized He is all you’ll ever need or have needed. 

I recently realized I've lost my peace in the Lord, and have been pondering why. I simply have so much to do, so much I want to accomplish, so much desire to be more; it’s insatiable. Our culture encourages this. Yet God is not my God if I cannot simply enjoy Him. If I want something more than I want God and His plan for me, then I have let an idol take hold in my heart; of course I've lost my peace!

God did not create me to enjoy life later, or when I have achieved my ideal. God created me to enjoy His good gifts now. I don't need to be perfect to have joy. I don't need to treat myself to escape this life; I can enjoy the treats God has provided in this life if I intentionally look for them. Looking ahead isn't bad, so long as I don't lose sight of His good gifts around me.

The Lord Himself is my portion (Lamentations 3:24) and He's right here. Dwell on that a moment. Nothing has entered my world that hasn't already passed through His loving hands. He has joy for me here. I don't want to miss it!

How prideful am I if I require more than what He’s already given me to be happy, to be content - to be at peace. I am thankful for moments of clarity, that in this one, God showed me my focus and hope was in the wrong place. Now, I choose this moment to enjoy the circumstances He’s given me. To marvel at the life He’s given. To enjoy Him and His perfect gifts from above.

What good gift of His can you enjoy right now?

My Insignificance

Job 38:25-33

"Who has cleft a channel for the flood,

Or a way for the thunderbolt 

To bring rain on a land without people,

On a desert without a man in it,

To satisfy the waste and desolate land

And to make the seeds of grass to sprout?

Has the rain a father?

Or who has begotten the drops of dew?

From whose womb has come the ice?

And the frost of heaven, who has given it birth?

Water becomes hard like stone, 

nd the surface of the deep is imprisoned.

Can you bind the chains of the Pleiades,

Or loose the cords of Orion?

Can you lead forth a constellation in its season,

And guide the Bear with her satellites?

Do you know the ordinances of the heavens,

Or fix their rule over the earth?"

Have you ever stopped to consider the immensity of our Almighty God? When I really take the time to dwell on it, I stand in awe. God is SO big and SO great! Creation is the easiest way I find to meditate on His immensity, artistry, creativity, and even love. It's the most tangible and evident of His works.

Take one tiny piece of His creation: a tree. Every leaf it buds, every flower it blooms, every branch it grows, every ring in its trunk is fashioned by His hand, designed specifically for that tree. Even its parts have pieces and parts - like a leaf. You start to hone in toward DNA, molecules and atoms, and then even quarks and quasars... at least millions of atoms are required to create ONE tree. Double that complexity when you introduce a new species of tree... and keep going for each of the over 6,000 species of tree in the world! We haven't even gotten to the other nearly 400,000 species of plants, yet. Not to mention animals (don't get me started on the ability to THINK and everything that affects!). 

How much more is God doing moment-by-moment? Well, a tree isn't just a painting or a sculpture; it's a living thing with a job that both requires and affects its environment. Its dark green leaves contain chlorophyll so it can absorb the sun's energy to then take in carbon dioxide from the air and water (funneled up from its roots), which it then converts into carbohydrates and oxygen. God created every single piece of this process to work in harmony. He created every plant and animal for a purpose - even if it's sometimes just to be pretty (so far as we know). Each part affects another, creating an ecosystem... of which we also have many different kinds in the world.

Every aspect of our earth is so intricate! There are so many different types of elements, minerals, and rock. The way our earth's crust and core and tectonic plates work together is a larger-scale illustration of His work - not to mention the atmosphere and what keeps our world together. Then there's keeping it on the right path for all our seasons, etc. in our solar system - not to mention the universe! God created and MAINTAINS every atom in the entire universe! The magnitude just blows my mind!

In that grand scheme, I consider myself. I am nothing! And yet... God still created me for His purpose: to make me more like Him and to bring Him glory. God loves me in my insignificance (not despite it!). He made me to glorify Him! THAT is an amazing thing! I am so thankful for the fact He made me insignificant, for a multitude of reasons.

I am not all-wise, all-powerful, all-knowing, or all-present. I wouldn't be even if I were perfect. If I had to control everything (and we didn't even go into thoughts and feelings and human interaction!), the universe would implode in a heartbeat. I don't even have true control over MY next heartbeat. To be able to put all that control into the hands of the Almighty God, the I AM, who is all-wise, all-powerful, all-knowing, all-present, and who loves me so much He bore the ultimate suffering to make a way I could be with Him - despite all the evil I commit against Him... yes... I am thankful for my insignificance, because it means I don't have to worry. Instead, it simply reveals God's amazing power, grace, and love.

How is God revealing His power, grace, and love to you today?

God's Plan

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son..."

Romans 8:28-29a

"'Will you really annul My judgment? Will you condemn Me that You may be justified?'"

Job 40:8

Thank you, Lord, that my every circumstance has passed through Your hands. Not just the big circumstances, but the moments when the traffic light changes (or doesn't); when I slip and fall; when my children are being wonderful or whiney. In every moment, small or large, You work all things to make us more like You. 

I don't always appreciate it; I'm not always in line with You. Help me to recognize Your purpose in those moments. Help me contemplate rather than criticize Your plan. Turn my heart toward You in humble trust; don't let me elevate myself to pride thinking I can judge You. Thank You for Your grace that suffers my prideful thinking until You turn me back to You. Thank You that You have made a way for me to even approach You in Your holiness. Thank You, Lord, for Your plan.

Drawing Near

Psalm 119:25-29, 31-32

"My soul cleaves to the dust; Revive me according to Your word. I have told of my ways, and You have answered me; Teach me Your statutes. Make me understand the way of Your precepts, So I will meditate on Your wonders. My soul weeps because of grief; Strengthen me according to Your word. Remove the false way from me, And graciously grant me Your law... I cling to Your testimonies; O LORD, do not put me to shame! I shall run the way of Your commandments, For You will enlarge my heart."

Day to day I find myself striving. I want to be more; I want to be better. I want to watch myself ascend a ladder of continual progression, and when I see that imaginary tick mark drop, I struggle. Perhaps you can relate.

The verses above really struck me with a point God has been repeating to me of late. I can't do it. Nothing I do will make me worth more, and none of my progress on that ladder is a result of my efforts. I've been focused on the wrong thing: myself. The way to become "better" is not to focus on myself and how I can be better, but to draw near to God and to meditate on Him and His living Word.

The verses above (and throughout Psalm 119) ask God to be the source behind everything the author asks. "Revive me," has been a plea of my own heart lately. How can I be revived? "...[A]ccording to Your Word." (Psalm 119:25) "I have told You of my ways, and You have answered me; Teach me Your statutes." (Psalm 119:26, emphasis added.) I'm no Bible scholar, but I see "You have answered me" and I think of Job 38-42, when God answered Job, pointing him to the greatness of God and His power. In view of that greatness, God, teach me Your statutes! Each verse in Psalm 119 is such a great picture of the value of God's Word and what we should do with it. For all this worth, I cling to His Word and will follow it because God will enlarge my heart. Anything I do is because of Him!

It's not about being better, or more, or enough; it's about drawing near to God. He knows everything about me - all my failures, all my problems, my every thought - and still, He loves me. (Not because He sees something special in me; anything special in me is a direct result of His creation.) If I can't be comfortable with a God who knows everything about me and still loves me, it's because I'm prideful; I want to be able to do it in my own strength, which would bring glory to me instead of Him. Christ died to purify me so I can be in God's presence continually - so I can draw near to Him!

God, thank You for Your grace to grant me the power and means to cling to Your Word, thus renewing my mind and drawing near to You. Enlarge my heart as I dwell on Your Word, that I might draw near to You and glorify You as a result. Thank You that becoming better is all about drawing near to You, which results in You changing my delights and desires to follow, obey, and ultimately glorify You.

Philippians 1:6

"For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus."

First Love

Revelation 2:3-5a
"...and you have perseverance and have endured for My name's sake, and have not grown weary. 'But I have this against you, that you have left your first love. 'Therefore remember from where you have fallen, and repent and do the deeds you did at first..."

In an attempt to improve myself and get everything done, I've boiled much of life down to a task list. I've been quite thankful for my helpful task lists; I miss less. Yet, while completing the nighttime prayers task on my list, God gently chided me on my plan of attack. He made me realize I've lost my "first love," as mentioned in the verse above, and thus, my reason to do tasks in the first place. 

"First love" in this verse, refers to Christ. My desire to complete a task has more or less replaced my desire to love (and thus serve) Christ. Life easily becomes about doing, rather than serving. Achieving, rather than loving. Myself, rather than Christ.

How did I lose that first love? Achieving isn't inherently against Christ, so where did I go wrong? I lost my original motivation behind achieving. God always looks at the heart, and we are so quick to think about ourselves instead of Him. I wanted the glory of finishing a task, rather than serving Him through my achievement.

This is why I find thankfulness so important. When I thank God for His good gifts, it helps shift me toward thinking about Him. Even in this, I can still make it about myself, as though God exists for me. Yet a good gift glorifies the giver, granting enjoyment to the recipient (and the giver), not the other way around.

Adding to my task list is not how I become a better [wife], nor does accomplishing tasks inherently make me better. Intentionally dwelling on being thankful for God's gift of [my husband and his good qualities] naturally leads me toward love, which leads to my betterment and joy. I must pray for the not-so-good things, and then leave them at His feet. In choosing to dwell on what I'm thankful for in a situation, I glorify God and become more like Christ (which also glorifies God!).

You may have noticed the brackets. Put your own goal in the first bracket and your own applicable thankful thing in the second. When you're tempted to dwell on what's going wrong, pray. Give it to God, and then practice intentionally dwelling on any applicable thankful things within your situation. God may surprise you.

I'm thankful for God's reminder of my first love. Life is so much sweeter when it's about Him instead of me!

What have you thanked God for today?

Twice a Mother

Isaiah 26:3

“You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You; because He trusts in You.” (American Standard Version with thee's replaced.)

Motherhood seems to be a journey of navigating changes. Just about the time you figure out one phase, you’re on to the next… at different times, with different personalities, that require different techniques. If you aren’t already comfortable with change — God is going to work on that. :)

As a christian wife and mother, our first ministry is to our family; I have found it so easy to get caught up in the doing: change her diaper, nurse her, feed him, clean poop (whether his or hers), nurse her, pick up at least some portion of the house, change his diaper - oh, drink your water! - nurse her - wait, when am I going to eat? - keep things civil between the siblings, sleep when the baby… wait, how do I get them to sleep at the same time? 

I get so focused on the urgency of the doing. Knowing it’s a fulfillment of my ministry to the Lord, my doing becomes the gauge on which I judge my walk with God… and I start to judge my worth by my walk, which puts my worth in constant flux based on my performance. Yet neither my worth, nor my relationship with God are based on my doing, but on the unchanging God, and what He has done, and is doing in my life. He always remains constant. He is the Rock to which we cling in the shifting circumstances of this crazy, beautiful, temporary life. He has poured out His grace on us through His only Son to credit us with His righteousness. And that never changes. My performance - or even how well I’m doing in my walk with God - has no bearing on my worth.

When I focus on Him - stay my mind on Him - I don’t see what I can or cannot do; I begin to see what He can do. I start to realize no matter what I do or don’t get done, His grace is greater. No matter how I mess up with my kids, His grace is greater. No matter what this world throws at us mothers - or throws at our kids - God’s grace is always greater.

When I stay my mind on Him, my perspective begins to change. My goals become less important - and I begin to compare my goals with His goals. My goals often have way more doing than His. But really, His main goal is defined in Romans 8:28-29: to make us more like Christ, which benefits us and brings Him glory.

The following passage is often split into many different sections, but I think it’s also important to consider it all together. 

Romans 8:28-39

“And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren; and these whom He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified. What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things? Who will bring a charge against God’s elect? God is the one who justifies; who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us. Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Just as it is written, ‘For your sake we are being put to death all day we were considered as sheep to be slaughtered.’ But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Concentrating on doing brings us joy or guilt based on our performance. Concentrating on Christ and the far-reaching effects of what He has done for us brings us joy in every circumstance. I don’t mean you’ll be happy when grieving; I mean you’ll have the peace of knowing God is using this for the good of His children and for His glory.

Trust Him and what He has promised. Lean not on your own understanding. Meditate on His ways in the watches of the night. Dwell on His goodness, His mercy, His love so great that He’s willing to do the hard things. Then make it real to yourself by purposefully being thankful for it. “You will make known to me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; in Your right hand there are pleasures forever.” Psalm 16:11

Now I chose Isaiah 26:3, because I think it describes the idea most succinctly. But there's a similar verse in Psalm 1:2-3:

“But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and in His law he meditates day and night. He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in its season and its leaf does not wither; and in whatever he does, he prospers.”

I love this passage as a reminder. God and His Word is the root which can grow us into beautiful trees. This doesn’t mean the tree won’t need pruning. And neither is the tree expected to produce fruit out of season, but in its own time, according to the Lord’s direction.

It’s important to note this passage is also a Psalm, and while it gives impeccable advice, it is not a promise. As a general rule, when we follow God’s Word, we do well. Yet God also teaches us through trials with the aim of perfecting us; it’s often how we learn best. This may look like failure to us… yet our inability to get everything done on our list is not the measure of our success. In fact, God uses that inability to teach us how to prioritize, to ask for help, to keep us humble and reliant on Him - and myriad other custom-tailored lessons His Holy Spirit teaches us. Each and every circumstance is not a measure of our worth, but of His grace. He always has the victory.

One other example of His victory and grace is when I mess up with my kids. When I let my temper flare and I snap at them… despite my failure, God turns it into a success. It gives me the opportunity to apologize to my kiddos, and to teach them how to deal with their own failures. To show them what I should have done, and where I should have turned. God’s grace is not shown in our supposed perfection, but in our weakness. God always has the victory.

Nothing has taught me this so well and clearly, as being a mother - especially twice a mother, with a little boy and girl! I thank and praise the Lord for this gracious gift, and pray for His help to stay my mind on Christ - and smile at the future. What trial has God used to teach you something you might not have learned any other way?

The Fear of the Lord

Job 28:28

"And to man He said, 'Behold, the fear of the Lord, that is wisdom; and to depart from evil is understanding.'"

I think you’ll agree when I say motherhood is a beautiful gift of the Lord - but we don’t always feel that way. Motherhood as a christian demands a diligent, patient, and joyful self-sacrifice day in and day out. When the hundredth question has passed their lips for the third time, while you’re trying to remember: how much flour did I just put in? - and also just remembered you forgot to turn the timer on for something else, and then you hear a crash in the other room from another child… it can get pretty difficult to focus on the hope and grace of an eternal God rather than the circumstances of the present.

And then there are the things we want to do and accomplish. The gifts we want to use, but don’t really have time for. Or the goals and dreams we want to work toward, but end up working toward others’ goals instead. We often mention the rewards of motherhood: the snuggles and smiles, belly laughs and eureka moments, and the times when God has brought about understanding of a key spiritual concept (which we often want at least a little credit for). Yet, in the face of the things I want, and the goals I have, I often struggle with those rewards being enough. Yes, that little hug brings a smile to my face, but what I REALLY want is… fill in the blank. My focus shifts, and I lose my joy.

But that’s the beauty of God’s grace. He knows exactly where we are, and exactly what we need - whether or not that matches up with what we think. He loves us too much to let us have our own way, if it isn’t best. To be completely honest, had it been entirely up to me, I would not have chosen motherhood. Kids never have been my thing. But God doesn’t call the equipped… He equips the called. He has called me to be a mother… and not just for my husband, or my children. He has also called me to be a mother for me. Much as I may not want to admit it sometimes, I need motherhood.

God has been working on me a lot in this - especially in the past couple of weeks. In fact, He’s torn my building from its foundations, shaken it around a bit to get out some of the rotten boards, and then held it midair with me still in it while He’s ripped out and repoured some of my foundations. I might be just to the point where He’s set me back down and begun replacing the missing boards on the new foundation. It’s not the first time He’s done this, and it won’t be the last; I’m sure some of you can relate.

I’m going to share with you a conversation I had with my husband via text. I was brutally honest with him, so it shows exactly what I - and what I think many of us - struggle with, and also shows the truths I need to combat them with.

Me: Sooo… I’m fighting depression and anxiety. Do you know of another Scripture about parenthood/kids being a blessing? I think I don’t believe I’m a good mother, and that I can get better. I’m scared I’m going to screw up my kids. I get overwhelmed by all the things the kids need - mostly for school. I feel like I’m the only driving force behind James getting any work done. And it’s another thing on my plate. I’m a little confused because I think I have the time, but emotionally it’s hard. 

Husband: Don’t forget that it doesn’t all rely on you. All you can do is your best and that’s not enough on its own. Trust that God is the one working in the lives of our kids and that He will accomplish His purpose in them. God doesn’t need you to be a great mother. He wants you to trust and obey Him. He will be the one to work in the kids’ lives. 

Me: How do I deal with not wanting to be a mother?

Husband: Focus on wanting to honor God and bring Him glory through your life. You are serving Him when you are caring for the needs of the kids. 

Me: I’ve been having a hard time with that. I’m being really selfish. Right now I just want to do what I want to do. I know God’s way is better, but I don’t see it. 

Husband: Then you need to ask God to help you repent. Ask Him to help you see how you are idolizing your desires over worshipping him. 

Me: I know I’m idolizing myself - I’m not seeing why He’s better. 

Husband: Then go back to the end of the book of Job. That’s a good reminder that he is God and you are not. 

Me: But that only holds fear, not joy. 

Husband: You need some fear right now. If you don’t see why God is better than you you won’t be able to enjoy him. You can’t have joy without humility.”

As you can see, God used my husband to throw out a number of nuggets, but that last one really hit me. Even in those moments, I understood. I needed to fear God - not the kind that feared punishment, but the kind that recognized His awesome power and might, so I could “Humble [myself] under the mighty hand of God… casting all my anxiety on Him, because He cares for [me].” 1 Peter 5:6-7 

So I did - I opened the book of Job and started reading from chapter 38 through 41. It was a great blessing! It’s not like everything was peaches and cream after that, but it really helped ground me and my emotions. Part of me really wants to quote you the whole passage, because it took reading the entire thing to really drive home how great God is during those moments. However, for the sake of time, I’ll give you a couple highlights that seemed to convey the core of the ideas I needed.

Job 40:8-14 ~ God is speaking and says, “Will you really annul My judgment? Will you condemn Me that you may be justified? Or do you have an arm like God, and can you thunder with a voice like His? Adorn yourself with eminence and dignity, and clothe yourself with honor and majesty. Pour out the overflowings of your anger, and look on everyone who is proud, and make him low. Look on everyone who is proud, and humble him, and tread down the wicked where they stand. Hide them in the dust together; bind them in the hidden place. Then I will also confess to you, that your own right hand can save you.”

Job 41:10-11 ~ God just finished describing the might of Leviathan and says, “No one is so fierce that he dares to arouse him; who then is he that can stand before Me? Who has given to Me that I should repay him? Whatever is under the whole heaven is Mine.”

How’s that for humbling?

So… when I’m struggling with not wanting motherhood because I’m focused on what I’d rather be doing - whether it be using talents or getting rest - my focus needs to shift to recognize how big and great God is. When I bring my focus to bear on the fact that, “the earth is the Lord’s and all it contains…” (Psalm 24:1a), I’m reminded that He’s given me everything I have - including those talents I’m wanting to use. And that rest I can’t seem to get? Does God not have sovereign control over my circumstances? Does He not know best and cause “all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose”? Romans 8:28

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; a good understanding have all those who do His commandments; His praise endures forever.” Psalm 111:10

The fear of the Lord is to focus on Him and all that He is, and to then realize who we are. We have nothing to offer Him, but He has made us His children. Praise God and obey His calling, and He will see to the rest.

A small side note: once I was able to shift my focus to humility, thankfulness, and praise, God showed me something else. He wouldn’t give me talents I couldn’t use in His calling of me to be a mother. So instead of focusing on how much I wanted to use my gifts the way I understood - outside my calling, I need to continue to spend my time considering how I can put my gifts to use within my calling. 

So I leave you with this: motherhood is humbling, and we need to be humbled. Remember that while God called us to this, He doesn’t expect us to do the whole job - He’s working, too. In fact, He’s the driving force enabling our work. He calls us to trust and obey Him - He’ll take care of the rest. 

The snuggles and hugs, and ability to watch them grow are rewarding - but so are the trials for those who choose to follow God, because once God has brought you to the other side, you’ll be stronger, wiser, and more like Christ.

I thank the Lord for the "fear of the Lord," and how He has revealed more to me of how the concept applies to the Christian life. Praise the Lord for His goodness and grace! How can you turn to the fear of the Lord in your circumstances?

Motherhood

2 Peter 1:2-3

"Grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord; seeing that His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence."

If there is anything that has taught me to rely on His divine power, it's motherhood. I'm not saying other things didn't teach me, but motherhood does throw quite a bit at a woman. Motherhood persists... children's needs often won't wait for a mother's own. While we can sometimes allow a way to take a break, vomit won't clean itself. Cuts won't bandage themselves. Panic attacks over a stuffy nose because he or she has been crying over "the worst birthday ever" because he or she was disciplined for using too much toilet paper and clogging the toilet when he or she knows how much to use... need a steadying rock through the storm.

Understanding the grace it takes to rear a child engenders a whole new respect for our loving Father and the amount of patience and grace He extends to us. Motherhood is a demanding job, and God knows exactly how hard it is. Trying to help a child change their focus through the whining, the know-it-all pride, the drama, and the outright fear when all they can focus on is what they don't have, is wearing. The interesting thing seems to be, after I work through it with my child, I find myself warring precisely the same battle... and by that time doing just about as poorly as they did.  

So here I am, after everyone else is asleep, writing a thankful thing. Not because you need it, not because I have a goal I need to keep, but because it is one of the few ways I can keep my focus on the truth of Christ, without wandering off. God grants us everything we need to live a godly life through the true knowledge of Him. Whatever it takes to keep your focus on "the true knowledge of Him" - it's worth it. That's when true change happens, and when Christ can begin to work through you. Whether by prayer, reading the Bible, writing, or color journaling, whatever you have to do to get your focus back on Christ is your lifeline. So often I don't want to use it - but I am rendered useless (and usually crying) without it!

What is the truth I need to dwell on tonight? God has granted us everything we need to follow Him. The grace I am to extend to my children has already been given to me. I'm not perfect, and He doesn't expect me to be. Otherwise, He wouldn't have gone through the suffering on the cross. My mistakes are the perfect example to my children of why we need Christ! This doesn't grant me license to not try to live a godly life - especially since He's granted us everything we need to live it - though it is a reason why it's so important to ask our children's forgiveness. In so doing, I model asking forgiveness of God as His child, and relying upon His grace.

I need His grace. Every moment. Even when things are going "right." Motherhood has a tendency to throw that need in my face... in a good way, even if I don't always take it as such, which is why I'm thankful for it. It isn't my job to make my children more like Christ... that's God's job. My job is to point my children to Christ, ask their forgiveness when I mess up, and be a witness of His love, grace, and mercy. 

He never runs out of patience with me. His tactics may change according to my attitude, but His love, grace, and patience are applied consistently throughout. He is always working all things to make us more like Christ, and motherhood is no exception!

A "Perfect" Day

Ecclesiastes 8:15

"So I commended pleasure, for there is nothing good for a man under the sun than to eat and to drink and to be merry, and this will stand by him in his toils throughout the days of his life which God has given him under the sun."

This last day, my husband and I celebrated our twelfth anniversary. We did several of our favorite things: ate breakfast at our favorite breakfast place; listened to our audiobook while watching the waves and (I) knitted; window shopped along the Embarcadero in Morro Bay; ate dinner at our favorite restaurant in San Luis; stayed at our favorite hotel and soaked in the mineral hot tub; watched a movie; and ate my favorite dessert (brought from that favorite restaurant). I can't help but feel so thankful for all of this, and so blessed by God's grace. To have the time, childcare, and financial provision to make this happen is no small feat, and to top it off, I've barely felt any pain today!

I cannot describe how wonderful and satisfying it feels to enjoy all these things knowing it is at the behest of my Creator, who owes me nothing. Much as I have admittedly been stressing out lately in the trenches of daily life, it almost feels too good to be true to have had this "perfect" day. Yet here His gift stands. I appreciate these things all the more because of my recent trials... which makes me thankful for not only for the "perfect" day, but for the trials, too.

The verse above puts a more eternal perspective on things for me. This recent "eating, drinking, and being merry" can serve as a great reminder of God's grace during the coming toils... and it can also serve as a reminder that the good things of this earth pale in comparison to what it will be like with our Heavenly Father after His return.

Until then, we have an even greater joy than in the eating and drinking and making merry in a "perfect" day. Psalm 16:11: "You will make known to me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; in Your right hand there are pleasures forever." Even a "perfect" day is enhanced by the joy of the Lord!

Sovereignty and Free Will

As a parent, would you rather your child followed your every whim, or was free to make their own choices? True love wants them to make their own choices… and this is God’s desire for His children. I will never be able to fully reconcile the two inherent truths of our free will and His sovereignty, but God has shown me an inkling in the following perspective.

We as human beings cannot control everything. It’s a basic fact of life and one of the main reasons many of us struggle with anxiety. In many cases, “life” throws us many circumstances that play a huge role in charting our course. Now consider… if God is truly sovereign, then He has control over all things, including those circumstances. One thing that must be understood before we move on is that “…God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone.” (James 1:13b) God may allow circumstances caused by sin and evil intent, but He Himself hasn’t a shadow of evil in Him. (“…God is Light, and in Him there is no darkness at all.” 1 John 1:5b The context being darkness is sin.) So, if He is sovereign and good, then why does He allow circumstances caused by evil?

Enter the beautiful truth of Romans 8:28-29: “And we know that God causes all thing to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren[.]”

Paul is giving us a rare peek behind the curtain of God’s will, here - and not just any peek, but a look at what lays the foundation for all of God’s will! According to this passage, God’s purpose is that His children would be “conformed to the image of His Son,” or, in other words, that we would think and act like His Son, Jesus Christ. Jesus is part of the Triune God, and as such, lived the example of how we should act and think like Him. (Just like we want our children to be like us!) So if the beginning of that quoted passage is true, then God is using His sovereignty (His power over everything) to work everything to teach us to be more like Christ (please note the distinction to being like Christ rather than being like God; they had very different roles). Even our trials. Even our joys. And make no mistake - Job 42:2 says, “I know that You can do all things, and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.”

Just as we don’t control every little thing our child does (and even less as they get older), God does not control us (unless, of course, we engage in the joy of offering ourselves to be used by Him), but rather lets us make our own choices. This is how we learn and grow. And just like our children often make wrong choices, so do God’s children (us). While we may regret a poor choice, God, in His sovereignty, uses it to make us more like Christ! We as parents can sometimes do this, but God, per Romans 8:28, uses all things toward this end. This is another piece of the joy of following Christ: even our failures don’t make us less, but instead God, in His grace, uses them to teach us. God does not want to force us into the image of His Son, He wants us to choose to be like His Son. 

God’s sovereignty enables our free will.

As I said before, this doesn’t fully explain how free will and God’s sovereignty coexist, but it satisfies me enough that I can look at Job 40:2 and 40:8 and bow humbly before His will. God addresses Job in both verses:

Job 40:2

“‘Will the faultfinder [that would be me, too] contend with the Almighty? Let Him who reproves God answer it.’”

Job 40:8

“‘Will you [again… me!] really annul My judgment? Will You condemn Me that you may be justified?’”

Who am I to reprove God and question His judgment? Did I create the earth and its workings? Did I create man and know his very thoughts? Do I really want to serve a God I can fully understand? Would He be God if I could fully understand Him?

I am insignificant and yet, God, in His amazing grace, chooses to work all things for the good of His children (of whom I am one!), and for His glory! These two goals never part. Our good gives Him glory! This isn’t to make it all about us - it’s all about Him! - but to show you the value God has given you as His child. In this lies our worth - not in what we can do for Him. This granted value never changes. It is not raised or lowered by anything you do, and God Himself does not raise or lower it. God loves you with a love so pure, it brought Him to death on a cross. God is so pure, that He rose again, freeing us from the penalty of our sin.

Praise God for His sovereignty! And praise God for granting us free will!