Brokenness

Lord,

I don’t understand what You’re doing in my life.  I am discouraged.  I have so many desires - good desires - on which You have closed the door.  I feel as though I’m running the race on a treadmill to nowhere - a mouse on a wheel.  I have been giving my home life my all of late, but it just doesn’t seem to matter, or make a difference - whether in the things that I get done, or in my husband’s mind.  He doesn’t seem to understand.

I am frustrated.  I feel thwarted.  I know that You have a purpose, but I can’t seem to keep my focus on You.  Something is really bothering me, like a deep discontent that I cannot assuage.  Help me to take joy in You.  I thank You for all the things that You have done for me - I do not deserve them in the slightest, and I live by Your grace.  Why can I not hold onto that?  

“Cease striving and know that I am God...” (Psalm 46:10a).

Lord, what is the difference between striving and doing my best?  How do I run the race without putting in every ounce of effort, without filling every possible spare moment with another thing to get done?  I am sometimes convicted that I need to run the race in such a way as to be used up by the end, and yet, when I give it my all, I burn out.  Fizzle and die in a sinful heap.  I don’t understand.  I thought I was doing what You wanted.  

Yet somehow, I have taken control, haven’t I?  Somewhere along the line, I made the switch from reliance upon Your power to get done what You willed to have done, to doing what I think should be done - by my own plan and my own power.  I want to stop striving.  Teach me how to run according to Your will!

Lord, with all my heart, I want to please You!  I fall so far short, which is why I am so thankful for Your grace.  I do please You, because You don’t see me when You look at me - You see Your Son.  I feel like the hemorrhaged woman in the street, knowing that if I but touch the fringe of Your garment (Mark 5:25-34) - or like the gentile to eat the crumbs from Your table (Matthew 15:21-28) - to but sip the dregs from Your cup, You would heal me and fill me with life.  I beg for what You have already given me - Lord, help me to see it!

Forgive me of my pride, my discontent.  Forgive me of my anxiety over how to make things work.  Forgive me of my idolatry and selfish thought.  Please give me a right focus.  Turn my eyes to You, for I cannot keep them there.  Let my gaze rest upon Your glory and weep with joy.  Let my mind grasp the magnitude of Your power, that I may remember Who it is that keeps my soul.  Grip me tightly, and let me feel the suffocation of Your embrace, that I might know that You will never let me go.  Help me to feel Your love, Lord - Abba.

Thank You for brokenness, that it brings us to You.  It is when I am broken before You that You can mold me to be more like Your Son.  “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.” (Psalm 51:17)

Thank You that when we seek You with all of our heart, You will be found.  (Jeremiah 29:13)  Help me to Meditate upon You day and night, that I might be filled with Your joy.

In Jesus' Name, Amen.